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Printed from The Vanier Institute of the Family's website at www.vifamily.ca. © 2007.
TRANSITION MAGAZINE The Importance of Fathers 
In this issue of Transition we take a good look at the importance of fathers. The fact that fathers are important to children and to families is—or should be—obvious. As proof, each of us has only to look to our own father and the long shadow cast by his presence or absence in our childhood. Fathers' shadows take many shapes. For the lucky ones among us, it's a benign companion who first leads and then follows us through life. For others it might be a gloomy—even threatening figure. And, for some, the shadow of a missing father may be a hole into which they pour their deepest yearnings. Of course the Vanier Institute of the Family recognizes the importance of mothers as well as fathers; parents of both sexes make an enormous contribution to their children and to society. We've chosen to focus on fathers in this issue simply because, compared to women, men's parenting role has in the past been neglected by researchers, educators, policy-makers, employers and the media. According to Diane Dubeau, fathers are beginning to get the attention they deserve. In her article "The Involved Father," she outlines some interesting similarities and differences in how men and women do the job of parenting, and also talks about the unique contributions fathers make to their children. Also in this issue of Transition, John Hoffman reveals his personal discovery of the wonderful benefits of being a father, and Jean-Pierre Lamoureux outlines the difficulties inherent in any attempt to include the concept of fatherhood in social and family policies. And finally, in "Working Fathers: Flexibility and the Corporate Culture," James Levine and Todd Pittinsky explore the insidious "blame-the-culture" attitude that can block a man from being the kind of father he really wants to be. Working Fathers: Flexibility and the Corporate Culture What keeps the workplace from being more father friendly? What keeps men from pushing for the sorts of changes they want? The most common response from both fathers and mothers is, "The corporate culture won’t support it." Leading experts agree. According to Ellen Bankert and Bradley Googins of the Boston University Center on Work and Family Life, there is often more than meets the eye at a company with a state-of-the-art child-care center or a showcase of awards for its work-family programs: Spend some time…talking to employees and you begin to see another side of today’s family-friendly company. In their eyes, fifty- and sixty-hour weeks seem to be the norm. Everyone talks about judging people on output, but face time is more important than ever, especially given the recent round of layoffs…. On paper, there is a growing list of programs and policies that appear to signal a commitment to a healthy balance between work and personal life, but the culture is anything but balanced…. What’s particularly problematic is that many employers believe that their family-friendly programs have resolved the range of work-family problems that beset today’s working family. But the real set of work-family issues such as time, flexibility, balance, and even values of respect and commitment cannot be addressed by the current programs; they require fundamental changes in culture. One aspect of culture, more than any other, makes it difficult to balance work and family life: the inflexibility of work schedules. Yet creating more flexible scheduling is not only good for fathers and their families, but also good for the business bottom line. And with the right strategies, flexible scheduling can be negotiated and managed in more business situations than you may realize. Quite often fathers limit their own capacity to create change by unknowingly participating in a game I call blame the culture, which usually takes three to play: an employer, a father, and a mother. They all collude, without realizing it, in perpetuating workplace cultures that conform to everybody’s expectations. The result is a continuous, self-perpetuating cycle: Fathers consider the culture and assume it is supportive, at best, of working mothers; companies look at lack of male participation in work-family programs as evidence that balancing work and family life is a woman’s issue; and women feel they must take work-family issues on alone at the company, even though at home they need or want the support and involvement of their husbands. To show you what I mean, consider a common occurrence at my DaddyStress/DaddySuccess seminars. Whenever I start talking about the specific steps it takes to create a more father-friendly environment, somebody throws up a familiar roadblock: "Oh, but they don’t allow that here." "Who is they?" I ask curiously. "What do you mean, who is they?" "I mean, who is they? Is they the chairman of your company? The CEO? COO? The CFO? Is they your divisional manager? Is they your direct supervisor? Is they your colleagues? Is it someone who works down the hall? Who is they?" I confront the group not to be antagonistic, but to expose the blaming the culture dynamic that, more than any other, stands in the way of creating a more father-friendly workplace. It's a game of collusion played out not just in dad’s workplace, but at mom's workplace, and at home between husbands and wives. No matter where the game is set in motion, it starts a self-perpetuating cycle that cannot end until at least one player refuses to play, refuses to keep the collusive system going. Here's how blame the culture works in real life, in one of its many variants. Six-year-old Sarah has had a mysterious tummyache at school for the last couple of days, and the school nurse thinks maybe she should stay home for a day. It's not a major emergency, but something worth paying attention to; if it doesn't go away in a couple of days, Sarah should see a doctor. When dad thinks about staying home with Sarah tomorrow, he factors in not only the pile of work he has to crunch through by the end of the week, and the meetings he has lined up, but how they will react. They won't like it. When mom looks at her options, she factors in not only her own work commitments, but her understanding of the values and room for flexibility at both dad's and her jobs. She has learned to assume that at his workplace, they don't like it when employees are out. An absence at her workplace may inconvenience her colleagues, but the notion that they don't allow it does not resonate as fully. After all, she's a working mother; they understand and even expect her to encounter these work-family dilemmas. When she says she has to stay home tomorrow, nobody will question whether her husband can stay home instead. If someone did, she would explain that where he works, they are not as understanding. For many mothers, of course, the workplace is not accommodating; they are not particularly understanding. I do not mean to suggest that women have it easier than men. Notice, however, that in this exchange they have never been spoken to. And since they have never been spoken to, they are firmly in place next week, when Sarah is back in school. Since dad did not go home to be with Sarah, there has been no change in the message to other fathers at his company: They still don't allow that for fathers. Since mom stayed at home, she reinforces the implicit message at her company: They do tolerate it, in some cases sanction it, for mothers. In reality, of course, it's more complex. Mom may want to be at home with Sarah or feel more strongly than dad that she should be home. Dad may be under particular pressure to complete a project at a time when mom has more slack. But I have been amazed to find that even when dad is the one who takes care of Sarah, he is sometimes so worried about them that he explains his absence by saying he is sick, not his child. At a recent meeting in New York, for example, a colleague named Doris explained that she had only been able to fly in from Chicago that morning because her husband, Fred, was staying home with their son Timmy, who woke up vomiting in the middle of the night. "But," she said somewhat sheepishly, "Fred called in to say that he was sick." It wasn't that Fred was at any risk of losing a day's pay for being home with Timmy; he was a senior in-house lawyer at a Fortune 500 corporation. Doris explained, "They're not that used to fathers taking off for their kids where he works." Once again, the invisible they—a stand-in for corporate culture—reared its head. Even though Fred stayed home, the game of collusion was still being played—between Fred and his company, and between Fred and Doris. He did not feel comfortable challenging what he thought was a cultural norm. And she did not feel comfortable asking him to challenge it. Blame the culture is rarely a game played just by fathers. Whenever a dad plays, there is usually a mom playing, who may not realize she is a silent partner. When I was explaining this dynamic at a lecture, a woman in the audience literally gasped out loud, saying, "My goodness, that’s exactly what I do." She had instructed their school-age children that if they had a problem after school, they should call her office, not daddy's. Why? In part, perhaps, because she felt guilty about working or wanted to hold on to her identification as the primary parent. But she realized that she also assumed, for no particularly good reason at all, that at dad's business they would not condone those types of non-business interruptions. It's often hard to pin down where blame the culture starts—at work or at home—but it really doesn't matter. What matters is that the game is played in both places and that the assumptions made in both places are interlocking. Mothers and fathers continue to play this game together, reinforcing the very stereotypes that have become dysfunctional for both of them. Collusion at the company breeds collusion in the family, which breeds collusion at the company—his and hers. Round and round it goes, trapping all the players in what can be no more than an illusion. Some challenge the notion of corporate culture as the primary culprit. According to Burke Stinson, spokesperson for AT&T, "I don't believe much in corporate culture. The inhibitor to being a good partner or dad is really in the personality of the individual. It is up to men to look within themselves—do they really want to be a good father or husband, or do they continue to be driven by career ambitions? The answer has often been "me first." It is more challenging to deal with this attitude than with corporate culture." Is personal responsibility all there is to it? Does culture play no role? Stinson is right that it is harder to look within than to blame without, but it's important not to completely blame individual fathers or mothers. None of us works in total isolation. Culture does have an impact—an enormous impact—on what we feel permitted to do at the workplace or anyplace. And when it comes to balancing work and family life, research consistently confirms the importance of workplace culture on individual behavior. According to Arlene Johnson, vice president of the Families and Work Institute in New York, "Managers' attitudes and the general work environment have been shown to be even more important than specific policies in helping staff balance work and personal responsibilities." FWI’s 1997 National Study of the Changing Workforce found the more unsupportive the supervisor, the more conflict the employee (and the spouse) feels. So how do employees know if a supervisor is unsupportive? It's usually apparent when you have a "boss from hell" or, at the other extreme, when you have a boss who is "super supportive," and makes it clear that he or she expects you to take care of family needs. But when it is not clear—and this is true more often than not—fathers often assume the boss and coworkers will be unsupportive. So they play it safe, not asking for what they need, but doing what they think the boss wants. That way they can protect their jobs and their family's financial well-being, even if it creates other types of family stress. Let's go back to the predictable "they don’t allow that here" impasse in my DaddyStress/DaddySuccess seminars. The group usually decides with much laughter that they is not the chairman or the CFO or anybody else they can actually name, and it often becomes clear to the group that the feared repercussions do not exist. At Merrill Lynch, for example, one man said, "We needed someone to stay home with my son who wasn't feeling well. I didn't want to bring it up with my boss, so my wife took the day off. The next day my boss just happened to ask me how things were, and I mentioned that Barbara was at home keeping Teddy supplied with chicken soup and ginger ale. She immediately offered, 'Why don't you work at home?' I never had any sense before that she was concerned about my family. But it made me realize that, for no reason, I had been afraid to ask." To break the blame the culture cycle, fathers "need to deal with the guts problem," says Perry Christensen, former director of human resources strategy and planning at Merck, who has wide knowledge of other companies as a member of the Conference Board's Work and Family Research Council. Is creating change only a matter of fathers standing up for themselves? When I ask Christensen what he means by "guts," he reels off a list of factors that are—we can’t get away from it—deeply ingrained in corporate culture. "First of all, managers aren't very good managers so they opt to use commitment levels that they measure by face time. The only distinguishing factors are the length of hours you put in; that creates a barrier for men as well as women." He also points to the double standard. "We want to treat everyone equitably and fairly, but there is still the perception that this is just for women." This brings us back to the dilemma of change: Personal responsibility and corporate culture are intertwined. When corporate culture changes, individuals will change, but the corporate culture can't change unless individuals change. What's the way out of this loop? The best way I have found is to recognize up front that individuals have responsibility to change their environments and that organizations also have responsibility to change their environments, which so profoundly influence individuals. The most important dimension of cultural change and where there is the most potential for individuals and organizations to find common ground is by challenging assumptions about time usage that are deeply woven into the corporate culture. What families need to stay healthy is what businesses need to be productive: greater flexibility. What dads want is more control over their work time—not less work, but more discretion over when they perform their work. Falling in Love: The Father-Baby Bond
Mothers do have a head start in the attachment process through pregnancy, birthing and breastfeeding. Men can't do any of these things, yet we can still form a strong attachment with our children. It doesn't always happen right in the birthing room. Often a father's love grows gradually, as he spends time getting to know this new little being. But starting early seems to be the key. A number of studies in the past 20 years have shown that men who have early contact with their infants spend more time with them when they are three to six months old. When Chris Risley's second baby was born, this full-time dad knew from experience how their bonding would happen. "For me, the bond is directly related to the number of hours I spend in charge of the baby," says Chris. Being "in charge" of an infant means holding, rocking, soothing, changing diapers. The message here is that you have to know somebody in order to love him. And the way to get to know a baby is to take care of him. It's not always easy for men to take the plunge. Many have grown up thinking of baby care as "women’s territory." Some are disconcerted by their newborn's appearance, or feel unsure of their ability to look after a baby. And fathers of breastfed babies don't have the equipment to fill that primal need, hunger. Yet mothers don't magically know how to meet a baby's needs either. They have to learn on the job—by reading, by talking to other parents, but mostly by trying things out and observing the baby's response. Fathers who take the same hands-on approach, right from the start, will soon discover their own competence. And by the time baby starts responding with her first heart-melting smiles, the dad who has been there to walk, rock and change her will know that it was worth the effort. The great thing about this sense of attachment is what it does for the father. Men are sometimes urged to get involved with their babies because "it's good for the child's development" or because "your wife needs your help." True, but let's not forget how good it is for us. To know and love a baby is one of life's greatest experiences. I recall an evening when I had lulled my four-month-old son Jesse to sleep on my shoulder with quiet music. A sense of peace, intimacy, and love washed over me, and I pitied any man who didn't know what it was like to have a baby fall asleep in his arms. So much of parenting is work. It's falling in love with your baby that allows you to experience the greatest rewards of parenthood. So don't wait until your kid goes to college to become part of his life. Get to know each other now! Getting Attached: How to Do It
—Today's Parent Newborn What’s a Father For? "What's a father for?" That's one of the questions asked—and answered—in Involved Fathers: A Guide for Today's Dad by John Hoffman. A project of the Father Involvement Initiative—Ontario Network (FII-ON), the booklet is designed to help both parents and professionals better understand how fathers can play a positive role with their families. Involved Fathers is full of sensible advice. For example: "The role you play as a father will depend on what your children are like, what you and your partner are like, and the type work you both do. But it all starts with what your children need. And the more attention you pay to all their needs, the less you'll be asking, 'What's my role?'" The booklet includes suggestions for stepfathers, such as: "The first task is to get to know your stepchildren, rather than try to step in and become the boss." Involved Fathers was created with the first-time dad in mind, but the response to it has demonstrated that it has a broader appeal to fathers (and mothers!) in general. Fathers: you’re finally in the limelight! Lately, a whole portrait gallery of fathers is visible in films, television shows and advertisements—reflecting fathers’ new involvement in caring for their children. Suddenly, there are numerous books and studies on fathers, formerly "the forgotten parent" of the scientific community. The idea of fatherhood plays a major role in our way of being a father/mother, husband/wife and man/woman. How I perceive gender roles, femininity and masculinity, affects how I see myself as a mother or father. Talking about fathers is a way of exploring new ideas about the phenomenon of fatherhood, and helps us interpret all the messages out there about fathers (and mothers) that come from the media, the scientific community and family support groups. Which Father? The comments of an elementary-school teacher illustrate the growing complexity surrounding the phenomenon of fatherhood: We were working on an awareness activity dealing with father involvement and we asked the children to draw what they liked doing with their father. What surprised me were their reactions. I first had to answer the children's questions: "Yes, but what father exactly? My real father or my new father?" "I don't have a father (or I've never seen him!)." Then there were the parents' comments: "I saw my son's drawing but it isn't true to life. He's never played hockey with his father; he never sees him." I finally realized that things weren't as simple as one might think. Traditionally, fatherhood was based on a biological bond—a bond generally stemming from the stability of the couple, usually expressed and consolidated in marriage, which linked the spousal role to the parental role. But according to Statistics Canada (1995), nearly a third of marriages end in divorce. And, when common-law relationships are included, the percentage jumps to nearly 50%. Given the current instability of male-female relationships, the spousal aspect tends to be quite separate from the parental aspect. In the past, a man almost always undertook his parenting career with a wife who had no children, but nowadays it’s not unusual to begin as a stepfather. Or, a man might begin by having biological children with his wife but after a divorce he may find himself the father of children who no longer live with him, while being stepfather to his new wife’s children. Then, with her, he might once again become a new father. The personal journey as a father can vary a great deal, depending on the individual. Medical advances have also had a great impact on the biological basis of fatherhood. With effective birth control, parental roles are more balanced and egalitarian. Men can now confirm their biological fatherhood (with a DNA test) or their reproductive potential (with a fertility test). Medical techniques such as artificial insemination can often solve an infertility problem, or would-be parents can adopt a child. Thus, fatherhood is no longer necessarily based on a biological bond, but rather on social realities. As new ways of forming families become commonplace, new questions arise. One set of questions has to do with similarities and differences between maternal and paternal roles. For the last twenty years, we’ve been saying parental roles have evolved and are different than they were in the past. But, in everyday life, how much have things really changed? What is the Father’s Role? First, let’s compare the traits exhibited by today’s fathers with those of former generations and with those of mothers. Today 's Father Compared to Yesterday 's Most people agree that today’s fathers, as a group, are more involved in raising their children than were their own fathers. Men are no longer mere providers, but are now directly and emotionally involved in raising, caring for and interacting with their children. The greater number of women in the job market, the higher divorce rate and a less-traditional division of roles and responsibilities are all factors that explain why men now play a more active role. As well, men want to be closer to their children. Nevertheless, the degree and style of paternal involvement varies a great deal from one man to the next. Fathers’ involvement in child raising is influenced by factors such as job constraints, education and their earlier experiences. For divorced fathers, paternal involvement may be limited to seeing their children from time to time and maintaining an emotional relationship with them. In short, there are many ways of being a father. My father was always there for us. On Sunday mornings, my brothers and I would go to his bedroom and have wild fights in bed and we'd all end up laughing uncontrollably. Meanwhile, Mom would be preparing our favourite breakfasts. It was a special day in the week. Today, I realize that we really didn't see much of Dad other than on Sundays. He worked six days a week and often got home late. So why do I remember him as always being there for us? When you get right down to it, it isn't always the amount of time you spend together that matters, but the quality of the time you spend together. And I also realize that my mother would often talk about him, so he was always there, in a sense. Facts about Fathers Most fathers in Canada who have children at home share the parenting role with either a wife (3,970,580 families) or a common-law partner (434,950). In about a tenth of these families, one of the parents (usually the man) is a step-parent. As for lone-parent families, most are still led by women, but more men are parenting on their own than in the past. Between 1971 and 1996 the number of lone fathers in Canada almost doubled (from 99,435 to 192,275); they now make up 17% of all lone parents. Sixty-nine percent of these fathers are separated or divorced; the rest are widowed (19%) or have never been married (12%). —source for statistics: Profiling Canada's Families II, the Vanier Institute of the Family Fathers Compared to Mothers Parenting research is often based on a comparison of maternal traits with those of fathers. Unfortunately, the findings generally demonstrate the preponderance of maternal measurement tools, which are mainly developed and validated for mothers, and which might not adequately reflect what fatherhood and father involvement really entail. The methods used have also been criticized. Fathers tend to act and feel differently when they know they're being observed or filmed, which seems to be less the case for mothers. As well, parental behaviours have sometimes been interpreted in such a way that the different results for fathers and mothers have more to do with the researcher's choice of a strategy for decoding behaviour than with real differences between moms and dads. Researchers say "taking the child" is just as frequent for both parents but fathers specialize in play situations while mothers take over in caregiving situations. These methodology problems must therefore be kept in mind when analyzing and interpreting research on fathers. Comparing maternal and paternal traits seems to have led to negative images of fathers: the absent or distant father, the incompetent father, the violent father, and so on. In future research we need to focus on fathers' strengths and motivations, and interpret these traits in a different cultural and historical context from that of mothers. In the past, studies were conducted exclusively on mothers, which resulted in parental qualities being linked to "feminine" traits such as sensitivity, communication and demonstration of emotion. But, if we were to focus more on fathers’ strengths, we could identify fatherly traits that have a positive impact on child development: for example, autonomy, playfulness and a realistic approach. Points of View A father isn't a second mother. A father isn't maternal, he's paternal. I may do the same things as my wife with Mickaël, but I do them differently. At any rate, I would be incapable of doing what she does. She's perfect and I'm not! I'd like to do my share of the work, really. But according to her, it was never done right. It wasn't just a case of doing things—they had to be done as she liked. In the end, I gave up. Fathers play an important role, and now, whenever I phone [a student's] home to discuss a problem, I'm careful not to ask to speak to the mother. But often it's the father himself who says: "Just a minute, I'll put my wife on the phone." I did everything around the house. Now that we're divorced, I'm told he does the wash, the cooking and, when he has the children, he reads them their bedtime story, gives them their bath, etc. Why didn't he do that when we were together? It isn't because I didn't ask him to, believe me. People keep saying that nowadays fathers are more involved than the fathers of the generation before. OK, but can we agree that mothers often still do most of the work when it comes to the child's daily care and education? Mothers and Fathers: Right from the start, pregnancy, delivery and breast-feeding tend to create a strong bond between a mother and her child. Fathers experience bonding moments, but differently. In controlled situations, similar competencies have been observed for both parents in caregiving, play and language. And yet, in everyday, uncontrolled situations, researchers have noted that parental tasks aren't shared equally since mothers continue to take on the primary role in raising children. These kinds of studies deal with parental involvement in terms of the frequency of interaction with the child, which isn’t necessarily the most valid measurement tool. Overall, researchers have observed more similarities than differences in the behaviours of mothers and fathers, but they have noticed a few significant differences in how they relate to their children. The first is the type of activity in which parents participate. Mothers interact more in a caregiving situation, whereas fathers interact in a play situation, especially physical play. Secondly, in the area of verbal exchanges, mothers are more repetitive, they more frequently use the interrogative form ("Now, what could we do with that?"), and their exchanges are oriented towards explaining things. Men verbalize less, are more involved in doing things and more frequently use the imperative form ("You take the tracks and I'll assemble the train station.") In the area of language, fathers are perceived as being more demanding parents, which promotes the child's integration in settings outside the home—for example, at day care. Thirdly, fathers are less tolerant of children's dependence, especially when the child is a boy. For example, when parents and children are observed in problem-solving situations, fathers are less likely than mothers to respond to their children's requests for help. However, children succeed at tasks equally well whether they're with their father or their mother. Lastly, fathers tend to exhibit more unconventional behaviour, which tends to surprise and throw the child off balance, helping the child develop self-control. When my husband would take Jérôme and playfully toss him in the air, I preferred not to watch. I'd hear the baby roar with laughter and ask his father for more and I hoped it wouldn't all end in tears. I try to calm him down at bedtime, so I give him a bath and read him a little story. But my husband plays with him, they wrestle and wrangle, which gets him all excited when I try to put him to bed. Obviously, different research frameworks will have to be developed and validated in future research. The main thing is that there isn't one type of interaction that’s better than the other. Both parents contribute to the child's development by offering different types of learning experiences. His Way of Being a Father A father's involvement seems to depend on a number of factors. In terms of personal traits, men tend to be more involved as fathers if they value the paternal role, if it's a major part of their self-identity, and if they feel competent as parents. Unfortunately many men were raised to believe that taking care of others and being affectionate are feminine traits incompatible with "manliness." Even today, boys are still exposed to popular images that reinforce this belief. In terms of familial traits, fathers tend to be more involved when they have a good marital relationship and when they feel encouraged to participate in activities with the children. A man's work environment also seems to be an important factor in his ability to balance work and family demands. And lastly, the characteristics of medical, recreational and social service environments—such as the hours services are available, the kinds of activities offered, the staff ratio of men and women—are also significant factors. Fathers Affect the Whole Family How does a father's involvement directly or indirectly change the lives of various family members? Consequences for the Father Fathers may feel that being a father has its price in the short term. Especially in families where both parents work, the price fathers pay is linked to the stress of trying to find enough time for family responsibilities. Nevertheless, fathers generally see their parental involvement in a positive light. Consequences for the Child A child with an involved father enjoys a number of benefits. The child is less likely to adopt stereotyped attitudes about gender roles and more likely to demonstrate higher cognitive skills than a child whose father is less involved. When a father is involved with his child, the child adjusts to the school milieu more easily, and exhibits better social skills and psychological adjustment. Of course, one must not attribute all the child's successes to the father alone. But the father's contribution, along with the mother's, helps explain the child's behaviour. In a family where the parents have broken up, researchers have concluded that, if the child has poor social skills or problems at school, it's not due to the lack of a male model. Rather it seems to result from the lack of one or more aspects of the fatherly role (economic, social or emotional aspects) in the child's life. Consequences for the Family A father not only influences his children; his involvement in fathering also affects his wife. Mothers working outside the home need their husband's support as never before. What's needed is team work to meet the child's needs. There has been little research on the impact of fatherly involvement on siblings but we do know that fathers' quality of care and affectionate behaviour help predict pro-social and co-operative behaviour among brothers and sisters. Fathers We Know Little About So far, studies have focussed on the "traditional" father who is a white non-immigrant, who lives with the child's mother, and who belongs to an average or above-average socio-economic bracket. Studies have also been conducted on divorced/separated fathers (having custody of the child or not) and on stepfathers. Other fathers have specific needs that should be documented as well, but little is known about fathers such as these: Teenage Fathers: Becoming a father during one's adolescence is almost always an unplanned and undesirable event—not a normal part of growing up. The principal problems include the mother not recognizing his legal status as the child's father, high tension between the couple, conflicts with in-laws and an insecure economic situation. Immigrant Fathers: Since immigrants make up 17% of Canada's population, we need more research into the impact of various cultural models on fatherhood. Some studies show Canadian fathers are more involved during the prenatal, perinatal and postnatal periods than are Japanese fathers (living in Canada and Japan). Other studies, dealing with fathers of Haitian, Vietnamese and Quebecois descent, point out that one must distinguish between immigrant fathers' problems arising from adjustment to being a parent and problems arising from their adjustment to the new socio-cultural situation. Gay Fathers: Because of our cultural heritage, we tend to find it difficult to imagine gay men as fathers. Yet, according to a recent study, 50% of homosexuals live as couples, 10% of these individuals have children and 40-50% express the desire to have children. Who are gay fathers? What parental roles do they play? What are the consequences for the child's development? There is little data available, but it seems the behaviour and attitudes of gay fathers are very similar to those of divorced heterosexual fathers, and their children don't seem to be at greater risk regarding their sexual identity or social adjustment. Becoming a father is a turning point that raises questions and doubts about one's behaviour and self worth. It is a significant step in a man's life. For the child, having a father is stimulating and enriching since each parent interacts with the child in a different way. Children have many needs and, if it takes two to create life, I feel it also takes two to meet all those needs. A father's involvement can help develop a partnership between him and his wife, which will help both of them meet their children's developmental challenges. Being a father is an adventure that unfolds from day to day. No one is a born parent and no one masters the art of parenting overnight. The earlier in the child's life one becomes involved, the easier the task. As with any type of learning, one has to feel free to make mistakes and to be proud of each small success, each moment that went wonderfully well—and there will be many such moments for the father who keeps trying. The Father's Dilemma: 
It is not easy or common for a man to discuss fatherhood in general, let alone his own experience of fatherhood. Fathers do not talk about themselves a lot, whether individually or in groups. These days, there is a risk involved: fathers are afraid of not being taken seriously, or of simply not being understood. A father's role is essential to family life and to children's upbringing. But, even if fathers are convinced of this, they are nevertheless confronted with considerable ambivalence and confusion with respect to fatherhood. They sometimes feel guilty for not being able to fulfill their role because prevailing attitudes, stressful family environments and many social practices do not encourage fathers' participation. Do we want greater involvement on the part of fathers? Do we want a different kind of involvement? Is it possible to include the issue of fatherhood in social or family policy? What is fatherhood? Family policy addresses the issue of parenthood. If we are to establish a distinction for fatherhood, then we must define its special nature. This has never been a government objective but it would not be a bad idea to do this now. A recent directive, issued by the Quebec government's Secrétariat à la condition féminine to initiate a gender-based analysis of all government programs and measures, is a step in the right direction. We must take advantage of this unexpected opportunity to emphasize those elements that are characteristic of the value of fatherhood. The first difficulty that arises when we try to promote fatherhood is the problem of defining fatherhood. To whom are we referring when we speak of fatherhood? To the biological father? The adoptive father? The stepfather? The foster father? Should we also include substitute or symbolic fathers? Second difficulty: What is it that we wish to give value to, or what model of fatherhood can we propose? The role of provider, protector, masculine educator, or companion for the mother? Third difficulty: How do we meet the sometimes conflicting needs of different family members? For example, fathers who want access to their children following separation versus mothers who demand exclusive custody of their children. Or fathers who work sixty hours a week versus idle teenagers whose behaviour is a telltale sign of their search for an involved father. Fourth difficulty: How does one recognize and support a reality that is essentially of a relational nature, characterized by rights and obligations, but also by emotions and fundamental human issues? Fifth difficulty: As is the case with motherhood and many different types of family situations, fatherhood is diversified and polymorphous. So how do you establish a common denominator? Sixth difficulty: Where does one find the symbols with which to build an appropriate mental imagery? The world of publicity, television soaps and movies—considered a reflection of our society—conveys images of fatherhood that range from an over-evaluation of the father pushing a baby carriage, to a surfeit of fathers behaving eccentrically, both of which distort family life. Seventh difficulty: Fatherhood is an issue that can be easily overshadowed by ideological discourse; discussing it often leads to an impassioned exchange on the nature of relationships between men and women. Plainly, those in favour of establishing a "father's policy" are standing on shaky ground! As most fathers do not talk much about fatherhood, and as there is no official spokesman who can do it for them, it is difficult to meet their needs. Research demonstrates that fathers do not refuse the sharing of domestic tasks, but they wish to either perform them in their own way or choose tasks more in line with their interests and availability. The equal sharing of tasks suggests an unrealistic fifty-fifty split, which tends to make fathers feel guilty. On the other hand, it seems that young fathers in particular are more inclined to take care of their children. They are concerned about their children's upbringing and they are ready to dedicate more energy toward it than their own fathers were. They are more open to the idea of an interchangeability of roles, especially with respect to very young children. However, according to behaviour specialists, the roles of mothers and fathers are not completely interchangeable. There is a purely masculine role that is critical to the child's development and that only the father can assume. It is through this father image that the process of socialization is best developed, even when children are very young. Fathers do, in fact, assume their specific role more when their sons and daughters reach adolescence. Then the father is called upon to help children move away from their inner maternal world toward a more exterior, more social environment. This role is essential to the personal identification process. And, although this role can be assumed by a masculine educator or substitute father, it is a role that naturally belongs to the biological father. How can the government strengthen fatherhood? A policy of social intervention can be developed only when there is consensus, when there is a sharing of values, and when the issues are clearly understood. Where fatherhood is concerned, the situation is not favourable but, at the very least, the government should support, legally and pedagogically, parents' joint responsibility for their children and act accordingly. In Quebec, the Civil Code could serve as a basis for such an initiative. Logically, government should be there to remind us, for example, that each and every child needs both a father and a mother, barring exceptional circumstances. Such an obvious statement would illustrate that fathers are not destined to be just maternal clones, but that they are called upon to establish a concrete presence in children's lives. Government policies should facilitate any measure designed to strengthen behaviours that are likely to boost self-esteem in boys, and to promote masculine and paternal identity. Paternity leave, for example, which is exclusively reserved for fathers, is a very effective means of solidifying the father-child relationship right from the start. Equal employment opportunity programs in jobs and professions that involve working with children and teenagers would allow children of both sexes to benefit from the complementary presence of men and women. Because women hold most of the jobs in the teaching profession and in daycare centres, children are not sufficiently in touch with the masculine influences they need for balanced development. The next step would be to convince men, especially fathers, that they must get involved in adolescents' education and development. Teenagers tend to suffer from the lack of an emotional and physical masculine presence. They need to identify with a father figure in order to nourish their ideals and develop their potential. Public service advertising is a tool the government can use to illustrate favourable behaviours. Already, government-sponsored publicity campaigns, especially in the areas of education and social services, are specifically designed to foster a positive image of fathers by showing them interacting with children and adolescents. Finally, government should support family counselling services to help parents resolve conflicts between themselves. Because of the range of activities and obligations that family members impose on each other, family life today is stressful. Every attempt must be made to restore harmony within each family for the benefit of all family members, but especially for the children. We must learn to communicate calmly and patiently with each other, we must learn how to listen, and—dare I say it—we must learn how to love each other. We cannot expect the government to develop social and family policies that will dictate parents' behaviour. If fathers do not speak up collectively to identify the place they wish to occupy within the family, the government will not budge! If fathers do not get more involved in the research being done on fatherhood, the government will not budge! However, the government could, on a very limited scale, promote a public discussion on the values in question and encourage all participants to engage in an ethical evaluation of certain adult behaviours and their repercussions on individuals, families and society. I believe it is important for the government to reinforce its family policy in order to protect family households—the basic units of society—in the same way it protects the environment. These days, family units are rather fragile; they are, in a sense, human laboratories caught up in a series of experiments, and there is a risk that they may fall prey to misunderstanding and misinterpretation. Resources for and about Fathers For Support Groups Father Involvement Initiative—Ontario Network (FII-ON): Implemented in 20 Ontario communities, FII-ON is a broad-based coalition of individuals and organizations that have come together to discuss, learn about and encourage the involvement of fathers in the lives of their children. ProsPère: A community support project in Quebec whose goal is to promote fatherly involvement. Implemented by a group of researchers and practitioners associated with GRAVE (Groupe de Recherche et d’Action sur la Victimisation des Enfants). Supporting Immigrant and Refugee Fathers: A Training Manual for Human Service Workers (2000): This manual represents a major step in understanding the barriers to parental engagement among fathers in general and specifically among immigrant and refugee fathers. Available from: Getting Men Involved: Strategies for early childhood programs by J. Levine, D. Murphy & S. Wilson (1993): An asset for any professional interested in developing a support program to promote fatherly involvement. Simple, complete and very practical. Includes recruitment strategies. National Center on Fathers and Families (NCOFF): This American Web site contains up-to-date summaries of research reports on fatherhood, as well as recommendations regarding research, practice and politics. For ParentsToday’s Parent: A magazine and Web site—both offer many interesting and useful articles for fathers as well as mothers.Web site: www.todaysparent.com The Involved Father Web site: An e-magazine for fathers. Dadmag.com: An e-magazine for fathers. Dads Can: A charitable organization promoting responsible and involved fathering by supporting men’s personal development into fatherhood, and healthy fathering patterns in our society. Dads Can took root from Dr. Neil Campbell’s "Dad Class," a five-week program for expectant fathers in London, Ontario.
Involved Fathers: A Guide for Today's Dad (2001): This booklet is designed to help both parents and professionals better understand how fathers can play a positive role with their families. (For more information, see end of article Falling in Love: The Father-Baby Bond) Full-time Dad, Part-time Kids: A Guide for Recently Separated and Divorced Fathers (2002): This booklet covers children’s needs and feelings, working things out with an ex-partner, and the challenges and personal issues involved in fatherhood after separation. Both booklets available from:
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I remember, very clearly, falling in love with my first baby. Every time I went to visit my wife and new son in the hospital, I picked up Riley and held him for the entire visit. As I cuddled him it felt as if that warm little bundle was burrowing his way straight into my heart. I knew that this was my kid and that I loved him.